Since summer is officially here and the eye assaults are OUT OF CONTROL, I’ve put together a list of acceptable and appropriate attire for work and every day.
Don’t worry guys, I have some words of wisdom for you too. (Feel free to skip to the end)
Ladies, things to never, ever, EVAH, EVAH wear to work (Now this applies to a business-casual office-environment, if you’re say, a stripper, obviously these don’t apply to you):
- Flip flops
- Shorts – while I think the shorts, tights, blazer outfit is absolutely adorable unless you work in the fashion industry, don’t wear it to work.
- Any skirt or dress that is more than 3 inches above your knee (this should be measured while sitting, if there’s a slit, you should measure from there)
- Club shoes (Those four-inch clear heels are only work appropriate if you get paid in singles girl)
- Club tops (You know that cleavage showing, bedazzled top doesn’t belong at work, take it off)
- Sweatpants (For that matter, can we all PLEASE stop wearing pajamas in public?? Put on some fucking pants already!)
- Excessive accessories (Coco Chanel said you should always take off the last thing you put on)
Some every day advice:
Just because it zips doesn’t mean it fits!
Also if you put on a spaghetti strap top and the straps disappear you should immediately take off that top and burn it.
If you look like you have 3 boobs or a lump growing our of one of your breasts with a bra on – It’s too small!! Go get fitted for a bra already! Both Macy’s and Victoria’s Secret provide the service for free. If you’re shy, you can measure yourself at home.
Follow the 3/4 skin rule. If you’re showing a lot of leg, keep the girls covered, and vice versa. You don’t have to sell it. Is that really the kind of attention you want? If so, have at it!
And now for you gentlemen:
A wife-beater is NOT a shirt. It should NEVER EVER be worn in public as such. For that matter a shirt is ALWAYS required. Do NOT run to the store, walk down the street, ride around town, etc. without one.
Pull.Up.Your.Fucking.Pants. It is NOT attractive – AT ALL.
Oh and by the way, this trend stated in prison so inmates could advertise they were DTF without alerting the wardens. That’s totally the message you were trying to send right?!
You’re a grown-ass-man.
You should have a shoes/belt combo in brown and black, do NOT mix the two.
And while we’re at it, if you own a braided belt, THROW IT OUT!
I should NOT be able to see your chest hair sticking out of the top of your button-up. While shaving your chest is GROSS, trim that shit or button another button.
Fit is EVERYTHING! Make sure your shirts and dress pants fit properly.
Find a good tailor, they will make you look like this:
Things that make you look like a raging douchebag:
- White sunglasses
- Wearing your sunglasses at night/in da club. (Also saying “in da club” definitely makes you a douchebag.)
- Ed Hardy ANYTHING
- Popped collars
- Earrings bigger than mine
- Excessive accessories – especially that obnoxious watch – we get it – you be making it rain up in hurh. Would it kill you to try and keep it classy??
- Over-groomed brows and facial hair. I should NOT be able to tell you groom your eyebrows and the chin strap needs to die already.
I’m sure I left out a couple so feel free to add your particular fashion pet peeves!