Lay Off! I’m Starving!!

I generally try to eat healthy and exercise regularly.

Not just for appearances sake, but so I can live a long and healthy life.

Though sometimes it’s all about appearances.

This usually starts around April/May, depending how long Old Man Winter hangs around New England.

 It’s the time of year most of us drag our pale, lumpy asses to the gym.

You also start choosing salads over burgers and carbs become a dirty word.

This is also the time of year most women become just a teensy bit sensitive.

LAY OFF!!

We’re starving!

That’s right folks!

It’s swimsuit season.

As most of you ladies know – it SUCKS!!

GIANT, HAIRY MONKEY BALLS!!

Kind of like these but bigger and hairier

Kind of like these but bigger and hairier!

Trying on bathing suits should come with complimentary Xanax.

No matter what size, shape, or color you come in, it’s a traumatic experience.

You peruse the racks, find some cute suits, take them back to the dressing room, put on the bottoms, (ignoring how unsanitary this is even with your underwear on), look in the mirror, and burst into tears.

cathy trying on bathing suit

ACK!!

You then try to take off the offending garment while shielding your pale, lumpy ass from what is clearly one of those fun house distortion mirrors, lose your balance, fall over, and cause such a ruckus that the sales clerk comes back to check on you.

The only way this scenario gets more embarrassing, is if you happen to be in a dressing room with that flimsy curtain some sadist decided was a door.

Kind of like this but more awkward and half-naked.

Kind of like this but more awkward and half-naked.

If you should try to by-pass this horrific experience by shopping online, you’re just setting yourself up for deep, soul-crushing disappointment.

When the suit that was supposed to “smooth problem areas!” and offer “full coverage bottoms” arrives, it will do absolutely NONE of those things, and you will most certainly NOT look like the “real woman” model from the website.

Seriously?!? Can celebrities and models start looking like "real" people again?!?

Seriously?!? Can celebrities and models start looking like “real” people again?!?

In fact, the sight of your pale, lumpy ass hanging out of those “full coverage bottoms” will be enough to send you diving under the covers to hide your hideous body from the world until the temperature drops low enough to wear a full-body sweatsuit.

It’s really an exhausting experience.

Ain’t nobody got time for that!

So this year, I’m thinking we just skip all that nonsense.

As long as all your bits are covered, I say put on your suit, go to the beach, and flaunt what your momma gave you!

What do you think ladies??

human shaped

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