Category Archives: deal breakers

Sharing Sucks

I hate to share.

I know I’m an “adult”.

We’re supposed to bask in the pure joy of giving to our fellow man.

Eff that.

I’ve always hated to share.

Maybe it’s because I’m the oldest and deep down I resent having to share my parents with my younger brother.

I don't wanna!

I don’t wanna!

Maybe I’m just a selfish asshole.

Whatever the reason, sharing sucks.

The only time I actually enjoy sharing is when it comes to food.

If I’m torn between two menu items and the person I’m with is willing to order both and split them, I’m happier than a fat kid with cake.

Nom Nom Nom

Nom Nom Nom

However, once we divvy up the loot, keep your fork on your own plate buddy!

And don’t even think of stealing a bite without asking!

Now I am willing to share, but I’m a control freak, so of course I have to be the one who picks what is shared.

God forbid you take my “perfect bite”.

(For those of you not obsessed with food this is the bite you save for last. It’s the perfect mix of the textures and flavors in a dish. The taste you want to remember the meal by.)

Stealing the “perfect bite” is a severe sharing transgression.

But, even I can admit, it’s just food.

The worst sharing transgressions are of course when you’re forced to share.

Sharing sucks!

That’s just turrible 😦

No one asks if you. It just happens.

My new position is with a smaller company than I’m used to.

There’s no “that’s not my job” going on, it’s quite nice most of the time.

But then there’s the time someone else does something you consider your responsibility.

The polite thing to do is say, “thank you”.

They’re waiting for you to say, “thank you”.

I really don’t want to say, “thank you”.

What I want to say is:

Why would you do that?? Nobody asked you to do that!?!

AARRRGGGGGHH!!!

AARRRGGGGGHH!!!

But I can’t.

I smile and say “thank you”.

Because I’m an adult and even though sharing sucks, I guess it sucks a little less when someone’s just trying to help out.

But, I’m warning you – keep your fork on your own plate!

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Filed under Change, Climbing the Ladder, deal breakers, etiquette, growing up

Nothin’ but a Number?

Have you ever dated someone significantly older or younger than you?

I used to rag on my guy friends for constantly robbing the cradle.

If your girl can’t go to the bar with us – she’s too young!

But what about when you’re past legal drinking age, does it still matter?

I dated a younger man once. He was 22, I was 27.

me and rich

Me and my “snack pack”

The most significant difference had to do with our music choices.

In his defense, he did like good music, I’m just a sucker for the classics.

He would jokingly call me his cougar.

Which I found more adorable than annoying – most of the time.

It’s  expected for the man to be the elder in a May/December romance.

Gross, but socially acceptable.

Gross, but socially acceptable.

But when it’s the woman she’s looked at as some sort of desperate predator.

What does May/December even mean??

Technically that’s just six months!!

mariah and nick 2

A decade apart. Does that make him really mature or her seriously immature??

Five years isn’t that bad of an age difference – we still had a similar world view.

And we were also in the same place.

Neither of us was really looking to settle down.

But what about a ten year age difference? Or more??

No matter who’s older, ten plus years is a whole lot of difference.

He probably can't get it up but I bet you have to change his diaper.

He probably couldn’t get it up but I bet she had to change his diaper.

Having sexual relations with a wrinkly, old man sounds gross enough.

But if you hitch your star to an older wagon, you’ll probably have to change his diaper or help him use the bathroom at some point in the not so distant future.

That’s definitely where I draw the line!

adult diaper thong

The opposite of sexy!

Your life experiences are different as well.

Twenty-somethings haven’t really thought about having children, except how to prevent them.

But thirty-somethings have more than likely thought about it and come to a definitive answer.

And then there are those who are past their prime, can’t get it up without pills, but could still father a child who will graduate high school when they’re eighty.

Excuse me while I go vomit…Belch!

Who wants to chase after a toddler at 90?!?

Who wants to chase after a toddler at 90?!?

If you get along, want the same things, and genuinely care about one another – does age matter?

What do you guys think?

Would you date someone significantly older or younger than you??

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Filed under dating, deal breakers, growing up, looking for love, sex

Goldilocks Had It Easy

The absolute worst thing to say to someone who is single:

“Why don’t you have a boyfriend/girlfriend??

You’re so pretty/handsome/smart!

I don’t understand??”

The worst part about this question is there’s no acceptable “real” answer.

No one really wants to know.

Which makes this an even ruder invasion of privacy.

Like Goldilocks, I’m still trying to find the one that’s juuust right.

goldilocks

Lucky bitch only had to slog through three options!

Usually when asked I just say, “I haven’t found the right one yet.”

(A true yet vague statement)

However, since I’m a little bit of an asshole, what I really want to say is:

You know why I’m single??

My last foray into dating ended abruptly, when I was informed via email, that he needed to figure out how to be “happy” by himself before he could be happy with someone else.

(This was coincidentally, after I refused to sleep with him on our second date)

personal challenge

Or how about the last guy I was foolish enough to catch feelings for?!

At first I thought he actually cared about me but, it turned out he was just a man-whore looking to get laid while keeping every.option.open.

(That really made me feel like I was special)

you look like a bad decision

The one before that, I only went out with a few times (Thank God!) when I found out from a fellow bartender he’d been dating another girl for the last 4 months.

And then there was the guy before that, he told me he loved me and proceeded to cheat on me with his stripper ex-girlfriend.

That’s right – I said:

stripper

ex

girlfriend

That about sums it up.

I either have a douchebag magnet implanted somewhere on my person or colossally bad taste in men.

douchebag magnet

I’m going with six of one, half dozen of the other.

So if it’s okay with you, I’m taking a little break from dating for awhile.

It’s been a rough year.

Do you have any other intrusive, super personal questions you’d like to ask me?

I didn’t think so…

Other things to never say to your single friends.

On behalf of singles everywhere, we thank you for your cooperation 🙂

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Filed under dating, deal breakers, etiquette, looking for love, sex

Girl Code

Everyone knows “bros over hoes” but have you ever heard of girl code?girl codeKind of the same concept but for the ladies.

This week’s episode of Two Broke Girls talked about following the “Girl Code”.

2 broke girls

(BTW If you’ve never seen Two Broke Girls you should totally check it out. Super funny and Max is totally the smart ass voice in my head.)

Things you should never EVER do to a fellow female. Friend or not.

uteruses before duderuses

I’ve done some thinking and come up with a top 5.

Please note, I did not include always tell her if she has something in her teeth, her hair is looking a little crazy, or she needs an outfit adjustment.

I think that’s a given and something you should do for everyone.

Girl Code Commandments

1.) Don’t fight over guys. This applies several ways: don’t be a home wrecker, always ask before you start dating a friend’s sibling, if your friend expresses an interest in someone – that someone is now off limits, never EVER date a friend’s ex – unless you have asked for and received explicit permission.

rules of femminism

2.) No one gets left behind. This commandment is especially important when inebriated. Whether it’s a party, a club, or your local dive bar – always leave with who you came with – ALWAYS. And never let a friend leave with random strangers. EVER.

teamwork

3.) Don’t be the disappearing girl. We all know a girl who pulls a Houdini when she starts dating someone. And we all resent her. Always make time for both your lover and your friends. When shit goes sideways, your friends will be the ones to wipe away your tears and help you hide the bodies.

disappearing girl

4.) Loose lips sink ships. ALWAYS keep the secrets you have been trusted with. Even if your friendship has fallen by the wayside.

keep secrets

5.) Be honest. No one likes a liar and the truth will always come out. This also applies when you know things that could hurt someone’s feelings. Did you see a friend’s man doing something shady? Hear a nasty rumor about your girl? Tell her – no one wants to get played for a fool.

be honestAnd last but certainly not least…..

tampons

Because, seriously, who hasn’t been there?!?

What about you ladies?

Do you follow a girl code??

What are your commandments?

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Filed under dating, deal breakers, friendship, growing up, looking for love

Laying Down the Law

I’ve never had a problem standing up for myself.

My momma taught me to speak up for myself (maybe a little too well).

never be afraid to say what you feel

So when it comes to dating I’m quick to tell a man exactly what is and isn’t acceptable behavior.

I hate playing games and I don’t care if it hurts your feelings I will always tell you the truth.

tell the truth

Apparently that’s all wrong.

Recently a friend of mine told me all that does is give a  man an exact blueprint to your heart and your vagina.

heart blueprint

He says you should keep them guessing and let them figure it out for themselves.

Otherwise you’ll just get your heart broken.

broken heart

Joe Schmo will figure out exactly how to get in your pants (because you tell him).

Then hit it and quit it.

hit it and quit it

I say that’s setting the poor guy up for failure…

The only way relationships are successful is with open communication.

open communication

What about you guys?

Are you upfront about expectations?

Do you play relationship games?

Do they work??

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Filed under dating, deal breakers, growing up, looking for love, sex

Merry Fucking Christmas

Nothing chaps my ass more than a cherry, “Happy Holidays!”

I’m sorry, what holiday are you referring to exactly??

And seriously people?!

What’s the big deal!?

Have we really become so fearful of accidentally offending someone that we can’t acknowledge the holidays we celebrate by name??

Say it loud and proud!

Happy Hanukah!

Merry Christmas!

Happy Kwanza!

Merry Festivus!

Happy Chrismahanukwanzakah!

Whatever you celebrate, I promise I will not be offended if you wish me a joyous day. Seriously, who really finds that offensive?!? It’s a kind gesture that’s usually backed by genuine good will.

While we’re on the topic, I’m pretty sure EVERYONE has a Christmas tree these days.

Santa Claus isn’t a deity.

He’s a jolly old fat man who under normal circumstances would be considered a trespassing pedophile.

Christmas is no longer a religious holiday.

It is part of American pop culture.

We have taken a Christian holiday converted from pagans and commercialized it completely.

Well done America.

And Merry Christmas 🙂

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Filed under deal breakers, etiquette, Life Style

Thirty Life Lessons

There’s this great list from Glamour I kept on my fridge for years.

When I cut it out I don’t think I really understood it, but I figured they were things I could work towards (I was sixteen at the time).

There’s now an equally amazing book that came from said list, full of wonderful life lessons from awe inspiring women (my personal fave is from Maya Angelou).

I’m not 30. I’m 29.95 plus tax

As I approach my big 3-0 I’ve been thinking about all the life lessons I’ve personally learned along the way.

I’ve forgotten some of them from time to time.

A couple that I’m definitely old enough to know better!

So I figured I’d write down the top 30 lessons I’ve learned thus far and see if I could save someone else a little trouble 🙂

1.) Family is the most important thing. And it’s not just the family you’re born with.

2.) Stop making up stories explaining the events in your life and just except them. The more time your spend analyzing you life the less time you spend living it.

3.) If it seems too good to be true – it is.

4.) Always trust your gut. That niggling feeling that something isn’t quite right, is always right.

5.) Music is the miracle of life. It has the power to validate your feelings, make a bad day better, celebrate good times, nurse a broken heart, and help you keep on keepin’ on.

6.) Be honest. It’s hard. I know. If you don’t have the balls to be honest with others, at least be honest with yourself.

7.) No one is going to take care of you. Save your pennies and always have some “fuck you” money stashed away.

8.) Everyone has their own narrative and they are rarely EVER the same.

9.) Always be yourself. The most authentic version of yourself you can manage. Never EVER water down your personality for anyone. It’s the best part about you girl 😉

10.) My parents are truly amazing people.

Seriously! They rock!

11.) Talk is cheap. No matter what people SAY it’s what they DO that actually matters. So pay attention.

12.) You can fool yourself better than you can fool anyone else.

13.) Perception really is reality. There’s nothing you can do to change that, so stop wasting your time worrying about what other people think.

14.) Opportunity is usually disguised as hard work.

15.) Dogs are better than most people.

He might eat your shoes, but he’ll never do you wrong.

16.) This too shall pass is a true story. Good or bad, life changes on a dime. Always appreciate what you have.

17.) Stop trying to fast forward your life. Slow the fuck down and just take it all in. It really is all about the journey. Don’t get me wrong, goals are good, but it’s how you get there that really matters.

18.) Be BOLD. Ain’t nobody got time for that pansy ass shit. Figure out what you want and go for it.

19.) Credit cards are a slippery slope. Pay off your balance at the end of each month. You’ll save thousands in interest rates and countless headaches.

20.) Have an excellent tailor and hairdresser. They’ll make you look like a million bucks even when you can’t afford a cup of coffee. (For those of you in the area: Amber LaBorde at Visual Changes in Longmeadow, MA is beyond amazing and A Perfect Fit in Agawam, MA is the only tailor I’ve ever met who continually tries to save me money and does wonderful work with an unheard of turnaround.)

21.) Mind your manners. Especially if you’re sometimes socially challenged. Remembering what your Mama taught you will get you successfully through most interactions and keep you out of hot water.

22.) Read more. Books have lessons we’re all familiar with but hearing someone else’s troubles helps us actually learn them.

23.) A bra that fits right will change your life. Seriously go get fitted for one. I know, it’s awkward and weird but it’s worth it.

24.) Jealousy really is a monster. Keep an eye out for that bitch. She’ll sneak up on you if you’re not careful.

25.) Climbing a mountain will clear your head of all your worries. Even a small mountain 🙂

26.) Learn how to LET GO. (I have to admit I’m still working on this one. It’s super hard sometimes.)

27.) Expectations can be a dangerous thing to have. Manage yours well.

28.) Sex does NOT equal intimacy.

29.) Learn how to confront people effectively. Keeping emotions bottled up inside isn’t healthy, but neither is flying off the handle when you can’t take it anymore. Address your issues upfront and you’ll feel much better in the long run.

30.) A new pair of shoes can change your life.

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Filed under Change, dating, deal breakers, etiquette, family, following your dreams, growing up, inspiration, looking for love, sex